I was really afraid that this week was going to be The Twin Week From Hell, but luckily it wasn’t. It was the Twin Sunday, Tuesday, and Part of Wednesday From Hell. I’ll take it! Aside from the normal crazy (which, let me hasten to remind you, involves feeding and clothing and diaper-changing and bathing and soothing and entertaining two toddlers at once) here’s what happened.
First, some vital context: I sprained my knee a couple weeks ago. Have you ever had a knee injury? I wouldn’t recommend them. They take an absurd amount of time to heal. In the meanwhile, you have to figure out how to get down to floor level for diaper changes without bending your legs. But that all worked out just fine, generally. The part where it got difficult was on Sunday.
Okay. So, Sunday. Normal church meeting. Except that Jared kept kicking me in the (sprained) knee all through sacrament, and then during Sunday School I had to take kids out into the hall three different times (none of which were swift or quiet, by the way. No, it involved dragging them out from underneath chairs, which involved lots of lengthy shrieking). Luckily I had a relatively easy third hour ahead of me, or so I thought. Mike was teaching the Elder’s Quorum lesson, so I was planning on holing up in the gym and letting the kids run around. Unfortunately, the gym wasn’t as containing as I had hoped. Our ward was handing out goodie bags for the annual “ministering visits,” so people were coming in and out of the gym all the time, leaving doors helpfully propped open. So I, on my gimpy knee, was hobbling after toddlers who were running in opposite directions. Then, as I was hobbling after Jared, I noticed a thick glob of greenish-yellow poop running up his back. He had a diaper blowout. This kid has never had a diaper blowout in his entire life. And I had no way of dragging two babies + diaper bag to a changing room. So I scooped up Jared (carefully, of course, because: poop), moved him into the corner, and proceeded to clean up. Which was awkward, because: 1) sprained knee 2) gym full of men and young men who were in charge of handing out the goodie bags 3) I can’t let the poop touch anything 4) Rebekah is running around, and out of, the gym unattended. It was really awful. I’m pretty sure I’ve never been so stressed out in my entire life. So there I am, wrestling a screaming toddler, fruitlessly yelling at the other one to stay within eyesight, and crying, all while the men in the ward wonder why this woman can’t keep it together.
Let’s never do that again.
So then Tuesday happened. Remember my last blog post, where my kids ripped up my scriptures? What you didn’t see is that not two hours before that, they had ripped apart my outline draft. And not two hours later, Jared somehow wound up shrieking with a mouth full of blood. I have no clue what happened, but there was a LOT of blood. So he’s sobbing, in pain, and I’m trying to dab up all the blood onto a kitchen rag. But the poor guy just wants to be held, so he’s trying to cuddle with me, but I’m trying to avoid getting blood all over my nice shirt, so I keep fending him off, which he interprets as being unloved. Also: it’s a lot harder to dab up blood when the subject is squirming and crying. Anyway. Eventually I found a burp cloth to toss over my shoulder so he could be held.
Then. Still Tuesday. I was carrying Rebekah downstairs from her nap, when–don’t even ask me how this happened. I have no idea–she peed down the side of my shirt. The very shirt I was trying to protect from Jared’s blood. All this just moments before we had to walk out the door for a doctor’s appointment.
Wednesday? Mike left his breakfast chair a little too close to the kitchen table before leaving for class, so while I was in the bathroom, the kids climbed on top of it and tore apart my outline again. They also typed garbled nonsense on every word-processing application I left open, and somehow got into the code behind my browser display and typed garbled nonsense in there, too.
By this point I was ready to lose it. Luckily, the rest of the day and week subsided back to normal-crazy levels.
Also: my children are still adorable. And I have all the week’s normal-crazy footage to prove it:
We’re learning how to use forks. Jared is a pro.
He’s not so much a pro at that lip thing:
Some more cute Jared-ness:
I guess I should also probably note that I finally bought the twins coats this week. To celebrate, I let the kids play outside in the back for a few minutes on Saturday.
I mention this excursion because it alerted the kids to the presence a big, fun World outside the back door. This morning we had our first escape. I was making breakfast while the kids were playing by the sliding door. It wasn’t until I was loading scrambled eggs onto my plate that I realized the babies were awfully quiet. Well, no, they weren’t quiet, per se, they just sounded like they were… at a distance. I bounded out the back door and sure enough, Jared and Rebekah were toddling, bare-footed, over cold grass twenty feet away. Rebekah wasn’t even wearing pants. They were none too pleased with my veto.
And here, finally, is a delightful conversation I had with Mike earlier this week. It took place while I was wrapping my sprained knee in an Ace bandage:
Mike: That’s not too tight, is it? Are you cutting off circulation? Are you going to lose your foot?
Me: That would be exciting, wouldn’t it?
Mike: Yeah. And it would in no way hamper your ability to do Book of Mormon studies. I say we do it.